Spouses
The roots of sexual addiction usually reach back far into early life, long before the spouse was ever around. Engaging with porn or in other illicit sexual behavior is the choice of the individual. It is not the fault of the relationship, nor the fault of the spouse, nor is it caused by anything she does or does not do. However, she ultimately becomes responsible for choosing her own safety and recovery, possibly guiding children who may be involved, and perhaps in protecting others. She may play a role in the preservation and rebuilding of a salvageable marriage (if that is the desired outcome), in the cohesion of the family (with or without an addict's support or presence), and in future relationships. People should not be taught to ignorantly surrender an addiction-related challenge to anyone in a way that strips them of basic self-efficacy, cheats them out of accountability, or relieves them of the work necessary to overcome it. No one is powerless against porn and sexual addiction, not the addict, and certainly not the non-addicted spouse! For us, spouses are key!
We recognize that there are many different reasons why a good, reasonable, intelligent, often educated, faithful, loving, wonderful woman may find herself in such a situation. We never label the partner a codependent or co-addict, especially given how little she often knows or understands about her spouse's behavior coming into the relationship, or even as it progresses. However, a spouse typically has more personally invested in her partner than anyone else does, is more affected by his engagement in the sexual addiction than anyone else, and usually knows her partner better than anyone else does. In fact, the ten categories of damage we identify in the porn user, with or without a diagnosable addiction, also apply to her personally: biological, psychological, emotional, social, spiritual, sexual, financial, legal, practical/logistical (daily functioning), and opportunity cost. It is not in her best interest to “stay on her side of the street” or attempt to “focus elsewhere” or on supposedly “her own” issues, as long as both the relationship and the addiction continue.
Most women who come forward are seeking and indeed capable of receiving more than just a place to vent, commiseration, and temporary “comfort” for loses that may not yet be inevitable. Rather than mere sympathy or diversions, they want real solutions. Aside from helping her assess safety concerns, needs, and goals in each of the areas mentioned above, we validate a woman personally and situationally, and help determine if indeed porn/sexual addiction are likely to be a factor, and at what stage. We then offer relevant education, and use collective wisdom to help her navigate through issues and avoid common pitfalls she can then reasonably expect. We use unique exercises to help identify and then match her particular needs to the appropriate available resources, then teach various human development tools that help her move strategically forward. We believe the simple empowerment strategy in Fly the Plane (FTP) has become the most effective approach currently available for women suffering from a partner’s active sexual addiction.
Unique Curriculum
Our unique curriculum has many important advantages over other, typically used methods.
First, it is designed specifically for the spouse; it's not simply an adaptation of curriculum designed for the addict.
Second, the program is designed specifically for sexual addiction, not merely borrowed from the treatment of alcoholism. Some elements are common to all addictions, but other important elements are very specific to sexual addiction.
Third, rather than being 60 years outdated, we utilize collective wisdom from a variety of related fields up to the current time. We employ a multidisciplinary team of experts to ensure the continual evolution and refinement of the materials. While avoiding reactive overcompensation and inappropriate use of popular buzz words or bandwagon terminology, we attempt to remain truly cutting edge.
Fourth, the program quickly and directly addresses critical issues at the most pivotal times, rather than just gradually and haphazardly sharing random experiences among participants--which may or may not be relevant--over the long term, as is seen in certain types of traditional support groups. In other words, the presentation of key information is timely and strategic. If it's important, it will automatically be covered by a strategic educational component at the appropriate time, even if it doesn't happen to be brought up by a participant.
Finally, the program is proactive, training spouses in advance to effectively meet anticipated challenges and make more informed decisions. The education we speak about does not just involve theoretical information, but is hands-on and practical.